These and over 100 more appear in my book,
“SPUNKY GRANDMAS and other amusing characters”.
I’ll post others from time to time so check back again because I have lots of favorites.
While doing forty in a thirty zone,
Her rearview mirror lit up red and blue.
The cop had also seen her on her phone,
But grandma knew some things that she could do.
The cop strode up and said, “Your license please.”
She said, “I think I knew you as a kid.”
The cop said, “I’ve no time to shoot the breeze,
I’ve got to ticket you for what you did.”
But Granny knew a way when things look grim,
To change the mind of any traffic cop.
She reached into her purse and handed him
A gift card to a local doughnut shop.
“Just be be more careful,” he was heard to say
Before he took the card and drove away.
Parking Place Thief
A grandma in a Walmart parking lot
Had driven back and forth in every aisle.
The lot was full. She couldn’t find a spot,
But then a car seen leaving made her smile.
She stopped where she could easily pull in
And waited while it exited the space.
As it drove off, and much to her chagrin,
A rusty truck cut in and stole her place.
The driver when confronted smelled like booze,
And as he walked away he turned and said,
“A lesson for you. Call it Snooze You Lose.”
He later found a windshield note that read:
“A lesson for you. Call it Tit For Tat.
You’ll notice all your tires now are flat,”
In Praise Of Duct Tape
The best invention of the modern age,
It’s strong, it’s cheap, it’s waterproof and quick.
Its value is impossible to gauge.
For countless problems, duct tape does the trick.
A panacea for your damaged stuff,
New uses are discovered every day.
Results aren’t perfect, but they’re good enough.
It holds the world together some would say.
But sadly duct tape has detractors too.
They scorn solutions done so cheap and fast.
A temporary fix should never do.
They value only remedies that last.
But disregard the arguments they sling
For life itself’s a temporary thing.
Nuisance Phone Call Solutions
A telemarketer was on the line.
He asked a grandma, “How are you today?”
She answered, “ Well, ’til lately things were fine,
But yesterday my husband passed away.
“It seems I’ve caught the virus that he had.
I’ve got a fever, chills and body aches.
The diarrhea’ s getting pretty bad,
My head is pounding, and I’ve got the shakes.
“But I’m so glad you called. I feel so blue.
I’m all alone, my cat just ran away,
And I’ve been fretting over what to do
About some bills I can’t afford to pay.”
Just then she heard a click. The line went dead.
She laughed out loud. “Works every time.” she said.
He placed his profile on a dating site.
Attracting lovely ladies was his plan.
He knew exaggeration wasn’t right,
But goddesses expect a perfect man.
He lied about his past, his job, his car.
He lied about his talents, age and height.
He used a picture of a movie star.
It wasn’t long before he had a bite.
Her message read, “At last! My kind of guy.”
Her photo and her profile made him drool.
They met. Alas, she too was prone to lie,
So both were duped and each felt like a fool.
Yet strangely somehow love began that night,
Which proves two wrongs can sometimes make a right.
A boy who spent a lot of time alone
Created an imaginary friend,
And even when the lad was fully grown,
The long established friendship didn’t end.
They sometimes went on road trips in his car,
They liked to go to movies of all sorts,
And often they would hang out in a bar
Where they’d get stinking drunk while watching sports.
’Twas almost certain they’d be friends for life.
Alas, their closeness sparked some jealousy.
He got an ultimatum from his wife,
“You’ll have to choose,” she said, “It’s him or me.”
Ignoring her was what he chose to do
For she was just imaginary too.